Boundaries…

Recently, I have been very lapse with my blog.

This has been partly due to the silence of the colder Spanish months, where it feels as if the nature of human life here is to semi-hibernate; to retreat into the moutains for a period of contemplative rest.

But I’ve also been aware for a few months that rest was needed because my natural state of flow has felt uneasy, somewhat, turbulent. I’ve had sleepless nights and days full of endless monkey chatter. The tiredness has reflected in my body; phantom aches and pains, my skin appearing dull.

When I think back to where the unease started to creep into my energy again, and began to effect my overall well-being, I realise it started with an unpleasant incident, which seemed to act as a catalyst in raising my awareness relating to personal boundaries.

The incident I refer to involved a male client. I rarely advertise my work and therefore, most of my clients find me by word of mouth; via personal recommendations. As with all clients, I welcome them into my home, in to my personal space, which takes trust for both parties. I offer nothing but kindness, empathy and gentleness. I try to create a genuinely private and safe space, where people are invited to discuss what they hope to get from a therapy session, which assists me in assessing how and which therapy is best suited for their needs.

On this occasion, without wishing to reveal too much information, the client’s behaviour toward me was highly disrespectful and inappropriate. He made a lot of generalisations about my appearance and when it was clear that I felt uncomfortable at his requests to be hugged, he was somewhat publicly slanderous too. At some point, he stated that ‘he knew women like me’ and referred to my services as being ‘unwelcoming’!

My initial instinct was to be the empath, to seek to validate the reason behind his behaviour, while ignoring how deeply hurt and violated I felt, not just by his one-to-one actions, but also the aftermath of his ego needing to tarnish my reputation. In a smaller English speaking community, this could make or break someone who works in a similar manner to myself.

Shortly after this incident, something else happened, but this time in my other area of employment, which is restaurant work.

People know that I live as a single woman and at times, enquiries into how I conduct my private life in reference to relationships and sex, can be very invasive. It really bewilders me as to why some people think that it is acceptable to mirror how they would behave in my situation onto me; the disbelief in my belief regarding casual sex for one! Again, I was left validating someone else’s behaviour in the belief that it was somehow I, who was at fault: perhaps I was a prude, or unable to be fun and free spirited!? But deep down, the confusion as to, am I not entitled to have my own set of values and beliefs?  Do I always need to comply and allow people to talk about my personal life with, what feels to me, vulgarity? Do I need to loosen up?

F*ck that! No!!

Assisted by the familiar whispers and guidance from who I perceive and refer to as my Holy Father: to some, this is the Higher Self; I began to gain further clarity into understanding the unease, when another triggering incident occurred.

The event that began to awaken more clarity was a letter from my husband’s solicitor regarding our divorce. Some of her wording was almost akin to channeling him; she had his tone to perfection and this triggered a reaction within me.  The result felt equivalent to taking several steps forward emotionally, mentally and physically to only be knocked back in all areas of growth. It was like nearing the end of a game of Snakes & Ladders, where you get to square 97, only to be forced back down a snake to the beginning. Thus, the anxiety and fear returned big time, because the letter offered a hint of malice in stating that they, referring to the solicitor and my husband, had read this blog with ‘interest’.

I don’t promote my blog, if someone finds it and it helps them in some small way, then that is a blessing. If someone enjoys the way I write then that is a major boost for my confidence. But I do also write this blog because since childhood I’ve always journaled, and as a would-be writer, a combination of an electronic diary and tentatively sharing my work, is simple baby steps toward the future I wish to create. But the letter from the solicitor stirred the unease by suggesting that he, the husband, still watches me from afar. While I accept that everyone is entitled to legal representation, her tone was intentionally sinister and she used the vulnerability of my blog against me. While a ‘divorce settlement’ is about gathering information and presenting a case for distribution of assets, the point she was making could have been presented very differently; fact finding rather than darkly malicious. Like I say, the tone was very him!

But what this has taught me, is that it is time to really know and set my boundaries as to how I wish to be treated by others. I cannot continue to normalise, what I feel is, bad or unacceptable behaviour toward me. What is okay with others doesn’t have to be fine with me; that is the whole point of personal boundaries. I have to love and respect my own state of flow, and when someone’s actions ties my stomach in knots and I feel uneasy and upset, then that’s my body, my energy, my Spirit saying that something is not right for me, and I need to make that clear to others without labelling it or creating self-blame.

I realise that I do this often. Not just in the incidents referred to in this blog, but the many times that I allow my own emotional energy to be drained by staying in situations that do not feed my Soul. I’m not talking about being a professional in my work or a supportive friend, but I am certainly referring to the times when I stay in situations that create unease for me, whether it’s just simple tiredness and not wishing to be party pooper, or something deeper such as respecting my own sense of values, needs, resonance or safety.

If I work from a place of love then I need to not be afraid to offer the same service to myself. Working from a place of love, is not to be a people-pleaser, but to love myself enough to know when boundaries have been crossed. To enable my best work and my best Self, is to respect the needs of my Spirit.

This has been a tough lesson because there is still this niggling sensation that to put my needs first is somehow selfish. But that’s the old Sally Jayne; it’s time step into the version of me that pays the same care and respect to myself, that I do for others.

With love & gratitude always,

Sally Jayne

xxx