Light of truth…

I have attempted to write a new blog many times in the last month. I have not been short of ideas and inspiration. Lots has happened, good and not so good. At times it feels like my journey to heal and to truly know myself has been played in a fast-forward mode; where lessons come thick and fast. No sooner do I begin to come to terms with one thing, that something else comes along to open my eyes further or to highlight that the healing I believed to have progressed, hadn’t actually gotten too far after all. As a result, I have a folder full of unfinished blog posts that seemed relevant at the time, but have all been superseded by something more mentally, emotionally and spiritually challenging.

A few weeks ago, I spent some quality time with my TF. We both work intuitively and don’t question what we are guided to experience, thus when he suggested that I needed to sit in blind and absolute stillness, I did not question the blindfold or being secured to a chair. I know to some that this must sound like some kind of scene from Fifty Shades, but it was not that at all; it was an exercise to explore trust and vulnerability, that would dig into the inner and deeper workings of my mind. Nonetheless, I still found the suggestion somewhat bizarre and immediately, I heard a voice in my head suggesting that if he didn’t have time for me… then it was not necessary to go to such crazy lengths to silence and still me. Thus, it took just a nanosecond for my deep insecurities to kick in… the part of me that I beleived I had travelled a long way to heal. Yet there it was, straight away; the little voice telling me that I was some kind of unwanted hindrance.

So, I sat in stillness and unable to see. My TF intermittently stroked my face and my arms to reassure me that everything was okay. But then I sensed him moving around the room and at times, leaving completely. On his return, it felt like he was distracted and in my mind, I imagined him getting on with his chores and checking his phone, all of which fuelled the feeling that I was keeping him from the day he wished to have; one that did not include me. I began to fidget and to feel uneasy. The next time he stroked my face or my arms, I suddenly felt hideous and repulsive. I imagined what he saw when he looked at me and it became ugly and grotesque. I began to cry and he removed the blindfold and released my hands.

What I learnt about myself that day, is that I have spent a lifetime, surviving on the need to be able to read people so that I know where I fit in. I need to see people to have validation of my worth and meaning, if I cannot see them, then I create my own narrative, which is usually negative, and convince myself that the person in question does not like or even care for me. This stems from childhood and the need to read situations to survive. My mother and later, my stepmother, were both very violent women toward me. I learnt to read their moods, which relied on feeling and observing their behaviour. I acquired finely tuned empathetic, intuitive and people-pleasing skills: I spent the first 16 years of my life, living this way.

Thus, I needed to see to know whether I was loved; I could not trust feelings alone.

My TF and I, spent some of the time discussing the ‘interesting’ exercise and allowed ourselves time to reconnect so that I was left with no doubt about the depths of our loving, spiritual relationship.

Later, I spent time meditating and connecting with my Holy Father to deepen my understanding of what had occurred that day. The message I got, was…

‘Just because you cannot see it, doesn’t mean that it does not exist or is not happening.’

These past few weeks I have struggled a lot with my place in the world. I have felt such intense isolation and deep frustration that I appear to be stuck and unable to move forward in various areas of my life. I have also felt abandoned by God and in some friendships and this has led to the emergence of a strange and needy inner child part of me, that seems to be in need of attention. I have found this repulsive.

However, deep down, I clearly trust in my faith, as it always manages to show me MY Light of Truth; the true essence of who I AM. Therefore, ironically, I can see now, that I need to be more loving toward the inner child’s need for attention, as this allows me to learn that my reaction to others is not because of them, but is due to the unhealed child within. Not being able to see triggers feelings that my world is somehow unsafe, and while that initially may have been physically, it now affects how I feel mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

My childhood impacted the decisions I made in terms of relationships, which as previously logged, made me the perfect target for narcissistic abuse. This recent lesson is relevant, because it highlights the requirement for me to recognise that my childhood and marriage taught me to rely on the need to seek daily validation, which was either handed out as a reward or removed to punish, using a warped type of reward system. Validation was not necesssarily given with words or actual gifts, but simply, being allowed to be restful and off-duty from people-pleasing; knowing I’d done enough to be exist another day: it was rarely affection. My childhood belief patterns allowed me to normalise this form of reward system, even within my marriage, but it goes without saying that it is not normal or acceptable.

Therefore, I need to learn that just because I cannot physically see the people or into the situations I care about don’t offer daily reassurances or have daily updates, it doesn’t meant that their love or affection has been removed; nor have I been forgotten in the areas of my life that awaits positive news. What is also prevalent here, is that whenever I feel abandoned, I feel the same toward my faith; the energy of my thoughts and beliefs are far-reaching.

Hence, my Light of Truth is that true love whether it be paternal, romantic or a friendship, doesn’t switch on and off daily, it exists throughout everything. Unlike what my childhood and marriage instilled in me, it is not a tool for bartering. It either exists or doesn’t and where love doesn’t truly exist, it’s time to move on.

With love & gratitude always,

Sally Jayne

xxx