Ancestral healing…
On my day off work last week, I went to have my hair done, which for me, is a really wonderful treat. It’s an opportunity to drive to the coast and to start the day with a light breakfast and coffee while overlooking the Mediterranean; on this visit, I was still able to enjoy the September sun.
My hairdresser has played a big role in my Spanish journey to date; she knows my story and has been a massive source of support. Over the years she has become a close friend, so invariably, my hair appointments are an opportunity to catch up.
After my hair appointment, feeling happy after a good morning, I drove straight to the supermarket. My plan was to shop for the food I needed to prep for a workshop event later in the week; my hairdresser would also be attending. I pulled into the car park and saw that a driver was about to reverse out of a parking space. So, I put on my indicator to show that I was waiting to pull into the spot; a third driver in a large truck, was exiting the car park as I waited. I was not blocking his path and he had plenty of space to exit, however, he stopped his vehicle and gesticulated for me to move out of the way; in doing so, he blocked in the driver who I was waiting to take their parking space. He refused to move on until I moved my car.
Well, I have no idea what came over me, but I angrily screamed toward the other driver, even though there was no way he could hear me; called him all the names under the sun. I screeched my car into a different parking space. Got out of my car in a rage, slammed the door. Turned to glare at the male driver’s vehicle just as he was exiting. I stormed off toward the supermarket… and then moodily, shaken and clearly upset, did my shopping. When I returned to my car, I loaded my grocery bags into the boot and as soon as I sat back down in the driver’s seat, I burst into tears. I couldn’t stop crying. At the same time, I said to my Holy Father, ‘I can’t do this anymore…’
Eventually, when my mood had settled back down, I drove home and spent the afternoon preparing delicious food for the workshop.
Naturally, I questioned what on earth had affected me so badly that morning; what was more concerning it was my second outburst within the last four weeks. (See my previous post Pressing the Reset Button). And what did I mean when I stated, that I couldn’t do this anymore? What couldn’t I do?
It’s funny how on a spiritual / awakening journey, you get to the point when you think that you’ve pretty much done most of the healing needed to move on; then unexpectedly something comes along, as if the Universe / God / Source /One Consciousness likes to give you a little nudge to show you that you’re not done yet, which was the case for my car park episode and as I write, I am finding that there is a link too to my previous mentioned outburst.
What I learnt via connecting with my Holy Father is that this more recent event was all part of the hurt and pain and the unexpressed anger I feel toward my husband and the control I still feel deep down, that he has over my life. It’s a complex scenario, which is still in the process of being sorted so I cannot say too much… but it’s the ugliness of the wounds of twenty years of narcissistic control and manipulation. Therefore, encountering what I viewed and experienced as unnecessary male dominance was clearly a trigger. Likewise, to utter the words, ‘I cannot do this…’ is the re-emergence of the deep rooted fear that I cannot survive without my husband, which was his intention and formed part of the overall abuse.
Therefore, in both cases, it is clear that if anything stirs disharmony within me, I am reacting from a place of fear to a trigger than reminds me of negative or hurtful past scenarios; the parts that I am working hard to heal and to leave behind. So in way, this was another episode that required me to simply press the reset button as mentioned in my previous post.
However, there is also a deeper level to these episodes, which has only come to light this time. During the connection with my Holy Father, I was reminded that it is still early days and the healing process is ongoing, so I need to be kinder and gentler to myself. The wounds are still healing and at times, the sticking plaster will fall off and things will feel raw again. I need to remind myself daily of my strength and courage to start over from scratch; to take the leap of faith.
I was guided to asking myself, what did I think I couldn’t do without my husband (or a man) in my life. I couldn’t think of anything, because I’ve had to learn to do everything on a practical level for myself; that’s not to say that I’ve not had help from a bunch of amazing people. But in principle, I’m doing everything that I require to live day to day, for myself, and on my own. I don’t say that with any sense of bitterness or arrogance, it’s not my intention to be hurtful. But it’s the simple realisation that while my husband may have believed that he gave me plenty materialistically with his grand gestures, and that perhaps this was all that he was capable of; it was his inability to bring true love to the table, which really mattered to me. Without this, he had nothing to give me that I really needed, because without love, the rest is irrelevant. And that is the saddest part of being a victim to narcissistic abuse; learning the hard way, that what you thought were acts of love were in fact, calculated manipulation… to always benefit them.
So, as I learnt… triggers can be anywhere. More importantly, I learnt that ‘I can do this…’
But what also came to mind, the deeper level I refer to, is that part of the belief that I needed a male protector and provider, regardless of the other issues relating to that particular relationship, can also be generational. My mum was very unhappy in her marriage to my dad, who himself, seemed a very gentle soul. She was the aggressive one in that relationship, but nonetheless, she still felt trapped by the belief that as a woman she needed a man to provide for her. The same belief patterns existed for both of my grandmothers. Yet my daughter, the younger generation, is not bound by this belief and walks her own path.
I’m not stating that I or my ancestors did or should have given up on relationships, men or love; but that perhaps none of us married for true love but due to peer pressure, necessity, fear, duty or simply not knowing what true love felt like; thus mistaken love. I hope that by taking a leap of faith to break the belief pattern that I wasn’t strong enough to do this alone… is the catalyst for my own healing but that of my female ancestors too. To be middle-aged and doing what my mum or grandmother’s were unable to do, is empowering and something worth holding on to.
But what is equally important here, is that this is not a battle between male and female, but the realisation that both energies in their purest soul form, can create perfect balance, if that is the intention of the individual’s soulful purpose. Generations of men too have experienced pressure to be the provider and protector, to live up to the stereotypical male agenda. And yet, each and everyone of us is unique, we are biologically a combination of our ancestors genes, but we are also energetic forms, we are spirit. Within us lies our own true essence, the I AM, which needs to be nurtured with love and not by the rules, judgement or beliefs of anyone else.
So, while talking of my ancestors and my marriage may seem like two separate areas of my healing process, they are intrinsically linked. For my expectation of what marriage means and the role I was to play in that relationship, stem from the belief patterns of my female elders. I grew up believing that marriage was often about sacrifice and that this meant that it could also be loveless: all of which makes it much more difficult to detect silent abuse. But of course not all relationships of this nature are abusive nor are the participants closet narcissists. But what has come to light here, from these two unexpected outbursts, is that my ancestors, notably my mum and grandmothers, have shaped how I view my own life, which includes the belief that I cannot survive without a man because I need one to provide and protect me. Yet all I require is pure unconditional love, because when that exists the rest follows naturally.
Hence, the journey is to realise that sometimes the hardest parts of life are designed to teach us what is left to learn and that is where the spiritual growth and empowerment comes from. In realising this, my female ancestors and my husband have been my teachers and that is why there is no room for hatred or anger toward them. All I can do is learn and know that for every brave step I take toward becoming an empowered woman who recognises her own strengths and abilities, I am doing this for all of my female ancestors too and to be a beacon of inspiration to my daughter and, one day, her family too.
It goes without saying that the male energies within our families need the same level of healing; when both energies, male and female heal, we create balance and harmony.
I’m hoping that I can now recognise what triggers the onset of these outbursts and send love to my ancestors and myself whenever they occur. I want to learn to sit with them as a silent observer and watch as they ebb away, instead of allowing old fear patterns to emerge and to derail me.
Before I go, I planned to post this blog on Monday, 30/09, but something stopped me from doing so until today.
It is of no coincidence that the 1/10 marked two years since taking the leap of faith. On the same day, I spent some time in the energy of my Twin Flame. Not knowing anything about my planned blog, he proposed that he sensed that I needed some healing. He worked on my lungs and my heart; for the latter, he asked which of three areas was the most painful. I said the first, which was really painful and located in the chest cavity. He told me that it related to ancestral healing; and there was me thinking I had worked through everything!
Nonetheless, as always, this journey blows me away, time and time again.
With love & gratitude always,
Sally Jayne
xxx