pressing the reset button…

In the past few weeks I have completed the first draft of my book ‘Silent Abuse’, which I am now in the process of editing prior to sending copies out to a number of close friends who have agreed to proofread and offer feedback.

I didn’t think the process of writing the book was painful; I thought that I had come to terms with its contents and that I was somehow mentally well rehearsed in sharing my leap of faith story; the decision to leave a twenty-year relationship to start over, midlife, jobless, homeless and living overseas with limited language skills. However, the previous weeks’ have shown me that pain presents itself in various forms; to the outside world I seem to be strong and to have it all worked out. Yet the unrealised pain has been presenting itself in my dreams; waking me in the early hours of the morning to a still and empty house; my heart racing with the same terror that kept me awake week one of this journey. The night seems to have the ability to steal my spiritual growth, unravels the lessons I thought I had overcome.

The dreams drain me, so I wake in the morning feeling tired; I feel beaten before I’ve even started. The nightmares are random: in the space of a week I have seen my husband appear like a viscous animal that pounced on my bed, snarling and growling; another time he looked different, aged and weak: this created pity, which I then realised was a trick. So, I started to run and every time, I’m running from him, I can never find a safe place to hide; I step into a house where I cannot lock the door or the windows are none-existent. In the dreams, my body is also always failing me: my legs or eyes don’t work. I wake feeling exhausted and stressed: the emptiness feels like a vast chasm that stretches into infinity. 

During the day, the dreams open up old wounds, stirring feelings of insecurity, mistrust and lack of confidence. I speak to myself in the way my husband did, highly critical and listing my many flaws and failings. I see the world as unsafe. People as untrustworthy. I return to high levels of anxiety and extreme sadness and lack of self-worth.

None of this is good for me or my Soul. So, I have had to press the reset button. I have to acknowledge that my healing cannot take place over night; that there isn’t a quick fix solution to putting the past two decades behind me. I have to accept that I will probably never fully forget what it feels like to never feel good enough. But it is in these moments that I need to press the ‘reset button’; acknowledge that something' has arisen within me, thank it and then let it go. Then focus on what is around me and what there is to be grateful for.

So, while I have spent much of this past week focusing on the darkness these dreams trigger, I am now taking a moment to reset my thoughts and to look back at the same week with fresh eyes. Create new memories of this week, so that it becomes a good one.

I met with a friend for lunch on Tuesday. She’s a new friend, someone who I have met within the past few months. I enjoy her company and feel that it is mutual. We ate calamari and salad while enjoying views of the Mediterranean. We spoke about every subject under the sun.

She told me a story about two young men who are doing renovation work on her home. Both are refugee orphans, who came to Spain from Morocco. Both of the boys are separated from family, and are working hard to start over. My friend described to me the joy these boys have in listening and singing along to music as they work. She asked them why they were so happy. They told her because they are grateful for what they have now, which included food, a job, accommodation and of course their music. The story moved me to tears and reminded me of something I mentioned within my book relating to my own childhood years. How, when you are used to being at the bottom of the pile, the smallest gesture can feel priceless.  This was a wonderful example of resetting a personal mindset; the glass half empty or half full scenario. 

So in pressing the reset button, I am focusing on all the things I am incredibly grateful for this week and removing the power of the dreams or my past from taking gratitude, love or light away from me.

In addition to enjoying lunch, which included dessert with my friend. I give gratitude to the fact that I have a job and this week I earned money. My boss sends me home with weekly food parcels from the restaurant; today it was curry and a dessert. Last week it was chicken pie and fish. I enjoyed after shift drinks with my colleagues, and we celebrated a birthday. My bills are paid up to date. My fridge contains enough food for the next week. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in. I am listening to music on a system bought for me by my work colleagues and drinking coffee from a machine purchased by the same people; all of them aware that I am starting over and wishing to gift me something that gives me pleasure.

Other friends have checked in on me; sent texts and audio messages, sending their love and wishing me well. Lengthy messages from my daughter who allows me to be part of her life. I met two new potential friends who were passing through; they are due to return to live in Spain from the Netherlands in December. We exchanged details because we had too much in common to ignore. I received an invite for dinner in two weeks time from someone else and the offer to go through a missed Spanish lesson with a fellow student: who also assisted in my journey to take the leap of faith. Each and every person, comment, invite, gesture enriches my life. As does...

Sunshine. Driving home along a winding mountain road in my car; the tyres recently pumped with air by a friend who not only took the time out to help but to also teach me how to do it for myself in future. The pleasure of filing empty water bottles at the local fuente; where I love to look up at the golden mountain above me, as I listen to the fresh fountain water, pouring out of spouts into a stone trough. It was here that I talked to some locals who recognised me from the restaurant; they complimented me and my colleagues on our amazing food and service. I felt a sense of pride and purpose and belonging: making people happy, feels good. A car drove past and a female waved; a neighbour who is also my lawyer and is helping me to sort out my divorce. I feel grateful that I am in safe hands with someone more than a faceless suited person, but a neighbour who knows my story and wanted to help, adapting her own schedule and fees to assist me.

I arrive home to rest and listen to the sound of noisy chomping on the lawn outside; I see a baby wild boar feeding off the fallen carobs. It makes me smile. I go to the bathroom and as I turn on the light my resident gecko scurries across the floor; that makes me smile too.

I sit down to the write and notice the time is 21:11. Funny that!

I think of every single person who has helped me get this far.

I think of a future full of hope and all the dreams yet to be lived; this is just the beginning.

My mind wanders to the amazing lesson in love given to me on the wondrous Twin Flame journey too. The writing of the book has triggered so much unseen stuff within me, and made me feel inexplicably needy and vulnerable and scared. I have tested and pushed this beautiful soul away several times over the past few weeks and each time, he shows me nothing but understanding and unconditional love. With the dreams opening old wounds and reminding me of my flaws, I wanted to know what I possibly had to offer someone, him; my TF responded,

‘I’m not interested in what you have to give me or what you think you need to do to be with me; it’s you that I want; not what you have or what you give,”

He touched my heart as he spoke.

And once more, my mind was blown away.

To love and to be loved romantically or by friends or family is the biggest gift that life can give us. To be in our hearts and to live by its energy, is to see love in everything, which is beauty, gentleness, kindness, friendship, a helping hand, a gesture, a gift, a story, fresh running water, blue skies, baby boars, movement, breathing and geckos.

Every time life gets tough and I start to think I’ve had a bad week, I am going to continue to press the ‘reset button’ so that I can begin to create new and happy memories. I am no longer willing to allow the energy of the past and learned thought patterns to affect the present.

Even if I have to press the ‘reset button’ hundreds of times each week, I will keep doing it, until the past no longer haunts me and I am able to effortlessly enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

With love & gratitude,

Sally Jayne xxx