judgement v discernment

I haven’t done a blog for a few weeks. My body has been busy with the commitments of work, which in itself is tiring. But I’ve also found these past few weeks have been exceptionally mentally and emotionally exhausting. It has felt as though the Universe is hurrying along my healing process, which I am sure, is felt by many. It’s time to wake up and to get rid of old behaviour patterns so that I can become the best version of myself; permit myself to fully know and embrace who I am. Learn how that version of me fits into the world and accept that every imperfection and flaw can be nothing less than perfect as it defines who I am; and by whose definition anyway, has those limitations been defined, by me or someone else?

I used to pride myself in believing and even stating that I was not a judgemental person, as if that is a badge of honour that I use to define me. My own USP. But these past weeks have taught me that I do nothing but judge; I am my own worse critic but I also allow my past experiences to define how I relate to others. I can see how I often skip discernment and go straight into a situation with judgement.

Starting with myself, I focus daily on all the things I have failed to achieve throughout the day, this expands to the week, or month. I use time as a gauge to assess how quickly something was or was not successful. My mind focuses on the fact that it is now September and my book is not yet finished, I have still failed to lose weight, I have not succeeded in completing a regular exercise routine and I have as yet to explore the health benefits of a plant based diet. This is unhelpful, harmful and harsh self-judgement. I fail to see the woman who was brave enough to leave an abusive relationship after twenty years. Who regardless of no home, no income, no job and the added disadvantage of age and lack of language skills while living abroad, still went ahead and did it anyway. Why don’t I focus on her instead of listing her endless failings and flaws?.

Outside of myself, these past few weeks have also taught me how vastly I unintentionally judge others. Part of this judgement may be learnt survival behaviour, especially when an event triggers a fight or flight reaction within me. But surely it is now up to me to recognise this response and to internally work through whether I am acting out of judgement toward another person.

I especially need to do this around people whose actions trigger a memory of my mother.  Whenever anyone drinks alcohol excessively to the point of losing personal control, I begin to feel anxious. I occasionally like a drink and enjoy a glass of fizz or a gin and tonic. I think in the right situation it can be relaxing to have a drink and can be enjoyable when you appreciate the taste of a good wine for example. However, I never drink excessively and certainly not when I am doing energy work within 24-hours prior to the session. Therefore, I genuinely have no judgement toward a person’s decision to consume alcohol.

However, when my judgement occurs, it is when drink makes someone more verbal, feisty or inwardly emotionally aggressive. This triggers  anxiety, mistrust and an element of fear, which is a result of my own perception or judgement of a situation. I make the scenario about me and how I feel in that experience, which leads to a dislike or mistrust toward the person in question. Once this opinion has been formed, I struggle to let it go, even when the person is generally very likeable when sober.

I’m fully aware of why this scenario triggers a response within me. As a child, my mum was an alcoholic who when drunk was extremely violent toward my sister and I. But I am aware of this fact and I am no longer a child. So this is where the extra self-work is required. Rather than respond immediately with judgement to the other person, I need to learn to go within to assess and use discernment to decide whether I feel safe in the scenario. If in my opinion the other person is a danger to me, then obviously I need to walk away. But if not, I need to learn to acknowledge the old inner wounds with love and then extend that love to the other person, because they may need to be heard. I need to learn that not all people who drink are the same as my mum. That while it is okay to acknowledge the trigger the person’s drinking has caused, it is up to me to own it, and to respond with love and compassion rather than judgement.

The same applies, even when a decision to walk away occurs.

Learning from this scenario has helped me to more easily recognise how I also use judgement within the Twin Flame journey. During a recent spate of silence that lasted for days, I forgot to go within my heart to seek answers, but instead allowed myself to be triggered negatively when I viewed the silence as stonewalling.

I allowed the past to judge the here and now, to become accusatory and to threaten that I wanted out: flight mode. In my mind, I truly believed that my version of events were the only truth. I thought this not because of stubbornness but due to the deeply rooted beliefs and behavioural patterns that had been formed during survival mode. Again, if I had paused to think before reacting to the trigger; used discernment to decide whether I was in emotional danger then I would have returned to a place of love that saw within him that he is nothing but absolute love and kindness. Like my mother scenario, he is not my abusive husband, but a good soul who in those moments of silence was experiencing his own traumas, but I chose to make it about me.

However, in embracing who I am, I need to love and understand these triggers, accept that life has shaped my reaction to events, but with an open heart, know that I can learn to reset myself and allow every reaction to take me on a journey of deeper self understanding.  I do not want to be that person who judges without attempting to know myself more and more importantly, to have a vision of the fuller story.

Therefore, when we judge, are we actually really just exposing our inner fears? Are we mirroring? Does it say more about us than the other person? Is our judgement based on the flaws we’ve also been led to be believe we possess? 

I think we all born perfect and are inherently pure Light. However, it is life that shapes us and wounds us, and each of us finds our own way to self-soothe, to seek our own coping mechanisms. But when judgement toward self and others occurs, that is the energy we send out into the Universe. We create unnecessary monsters in our mind which can motivate others to see the same; when in fact, if we assume that most people have goodness within them and we seek their Light, we diffuse the need for judgement and replace it with love and compassion. If we did less judgement and more empathy, perhaps people would be able to heal much quicker. Because I certainly know that whenever I have been met with judgement, I have shrunk inward, felt quashed and unable to shine my own Light; judgement instils the sentiment that somehow I am not good enough.

Judgement is not a fact, it’s an opinion. But this does not make it the truth.

However, I cannot stress enough the importance of discernment when anyone feels unsafe. Our triggers are our survival tools too. It’s a journey to understanding the Self and in doing so, we promote Self-love.  In this place, we see the world and other people differently, for in essence we are all having similar life experiences and responding to the same challenges and hardships. When it gets tough I turn to my faith but for others they turn to drink or silence. But they are still perfect and very much loved. 

With love & gratitude,

Sally Jayne xxx