Surrendering to oneness…

I don’t often sit and stare at a blank screen uncertain of what to write. My mind is usually full of stories or inspiration. When it comes to this blog, I plan ahead; write down every idea as it arises with a view to seeing where it goes organically as soon as I put my fingers on the keyboard. Or I have lists of jobs to do and dreams to fulfil. But today my mind feels blank, somewhat tired. It feels as though someone has wiped clean my mental whiteboard to start afresh, because it had become too jumbled in there; too messy.

Today I just feel the need for stillness. Time to reflect. There’s this strange peace within the blankness that feels like, at long last, that I accept that I cannot control the outcome of certain parts of my life. I have to let go of attachment and expectation to how events unravel, and allow things to unfold in Divine time. However, this is always easier said than done; I’ve been aware for weeks that something deep down inside of me, still needed validation, hard proof that events would progress just as I needed them to: this would bring ease to my unease. But if I need solid evidence to show me how my life will pan out, then where is the trust? Where is my faith in Source, my Holy Father?

So this inner stillness feels new but it has only come after a day of extreme turmoil, which came yesterday. It was a day of tears and lots of frustration. Only when I was completely exhausted did I meditate with Holy Father in mind, and spoke to Him about these emotions. What is interesting, is that I normally post my blog on a Monday, today is Tuesday. Yesterday marked the period in which the 8/8/8 portal, which I wrote briefly about in my previous post (This Thing Is Bigger Than Me) became less potent. So it is possible that yesterday, was some kind of final purge.

Regardless, in this meditative state, I told Holy Father that I thought that my regular sadness was because I did not know how to experience love. I knew how to be loving and to express this through acts of kindness, but I felt like I did not know what it felt like to be loved. That’s not to say that I am unaware of the many many acts of kindness and love that comes from friendships and acquaintances. I see goodness in the world. And I feel overwhelming gratitude for the life that I am blessed to lead. A life that allows me to grow into the best version of me; creative, compassionate and connected. But I struggle to feel joy and I believe that this lack is linked to the deep rooted belief that I am unlovable, which to me, is different to being likeable.

I am talking of deep romantic love; an all-consuming love, that feels like home when you are with another soul. I don’t feel equipped to know what it looks or feels like if it was served to me on a plate right now! My heart feels like it can tune in to every other emotion on the planet, but feeling loved, nah! That’s difficult.

So, having said last week, that I would limit talking about the Twin Flame (TF) journey, I mention it this week, because it has yet again been relevant to how the week has unfolded. And naturally, the inability to feel loved, can be part of the healing Twin Flame journey. Which combined with the ugliness of divorce after a two-year delay, more Divine timing, has clearly negatively impacted on the aggression of my emotions, which needed an explosive outpouring.

I just noticed that the time reads 12:34 (progressive numbers, for me, is a sign for progression in life).

As a result, I asked Holy Father to help me recognise love, to learn what it felt like. As I write, my TF is en-route; an unplanned detour because he understood the subtext of a message that told him that I needed help. Instead of feeling gratitude or an inkling for what it is like to be loved, there’s a nagging voice in my head, the ego, that is suggesting that this will be irritating for him and that it will stress him out, suggesting reluctance to be with me. (An unlovable belief trait). Also, my inner child feels like she has done something wrong, which created the need to leave writing this post so that I could pace anxiously.

My TF arrived. He took one look at me and simply said, ‘What happened? Where did you go?” Where did I go? Interesting question! He realised that my true Self was not emerging. He then hugged me and wiped away my tears as I told him that I was fearful of not knowing what love felt like because my heart felt blocked. He took my hand and placed it on his heart, kissed the top of my head and held me until my ease was restored. He had dropped everything to comfort me; no words of complaint, just absolute concern regarding my stress.

While he held me, I think I felt it. Love that is. It was not presented in the usual package of a lover, boyfriend or husband; one that I have a legal contract with that commits us forever to one another. Instead, a kindred soul who stayed with me until I felt able to stand alone again. Then he left.

As he drove off, I expected to feel sadness, but there was none. The stillness from that moment lingered, and my mind went blank, or perhaps I don’t recognise it as calmness. Whatever had taken over my emotions recently had gone; the inner demon had exited; it can’t stay where love resides. Sometimes, Self love is not enough; there is a need for validation from another, I think we all seek that to help us grow.

One hour after my TF had departed, I noticed that my heart / chest region felt inexplicably very warm. I had a vision of one door closing and another opening; a knowing that this was a form of surrendering to all of the ‘badness’ associated with my soon to be ex husband. Even speaking about divorce on my Website that speaks about healing and spiritual growth feels a little awkward to me; but knowing one’s Self and doing whatever is necessary to safeguard individual well-being is vital. Finding forgiveness and gratitude for what past relationships teach us is equally important too.

As the stillness continues, it is not like anything I have experienced before. It feels somewhat odd to have what feels like a blank mind, and yet my fingers are managing to type almost on their own! It’s as if all the inner turmoil has simply gone. Is this what it feels like to surrender? How do I know whether I have truly surrendered or am in a state of defeated resignation?

Holy Father inspired me to realise the difference. The latter still creates unease within the body and the mind will still be tingling with negative energy, such as fear, hatred or blame. Surrendering is serenity within and an awareness of a connection with infinite vastness. It’s like plugging into the central God / Universe grid that has a constant vibration. A state of natural flow. Harmony versus disharmony.

So instead of calling it an empty mind, I will call it a calm mind or an uncluttered mind. A calm mind does not mean that it ceases to be creative; in fact, it’s the total opposite. A still mind is what allows natural flow and when we are in a state of natural flow; when we have surrendered to the here and now, and stopped questioning the tomorrow’s; we are at one with Source. It is in this oneness, that co-creation flourishes and in this co-creation, it’s where creating the future we want, which includes the outcome to events, occurs, if it serves and supports the soul’s life purpose.

Battling to still the mind, is a fight worth having. The ego does everything it can to stop us becoming the best version of ourselves; it tries to stop us from creating a meaningful connection with Light, Source or Oneness, because that allows something beautiful and constructive to chase away inner ugliness and destruction.

Surrendering is allowing Source to create through us. What could be more serene and beautiful than that?

With Love Always,

Sally Jayne xxx