this thing is bigger than me…

My thoughts have been all over the place recently.

I seemed trapped in this constant inability to feel happy; there’s a sadness that hangs over me like an old friend who perhaps has become so familiar I don’t know how to exist without it. Or possibly it’s the world that’s sad and as an empath I just feel it more. Maybe it’s an element of both, I’m not entirely sure.

Whatever it is, it feels like a daily battle to establish the cause of such strong emotional triggers; it’s a constant journey of the soul to find meaning behind what is happening within me and outside of me, on a larger scale. This frequent reflection is still relatively new to me: the realisation that I am part of something bigger than my isolated life; we all are, is mind-blowing. Once you step onto the awakening pathway, you start to realise that there is no such thing as being a singular energetic entity; our energy is expansive, it doesn’t just stop because the mind says it should or that it’s impossible for our energy to reach out into the Universe, where it mingles with all the other energies that have realised their own limitless wonder.

Each day I feel tasked to sort through my emotional laundry; what belongs to me and what doesn’t and to assess and learn from each accordingly. Either way, this has been an exceptionally busy week on both a micro and macro level.

On a personal level I’m dealing with the ugliness of a divorce; sharing personal data that dredges up the past and parts of my life that I wish I could bury forever. But it’s time to stop hiding my head in the sand and to deal with it, so that I can have closure, which will allow me to move on and to focus on the future.

In juxtaposition to this, I completed two Qigong assessments, which are part of finalising my 200 hour Teacher Training Course. Why I mention this is because one of the assessments was for the practice called Heaven & Earth. This is a beautiful system that as the title suggests, cultivates setting the intention to connect with the energy of each. Heaven & Earth represents the balance of Yin (Earth) & Yang (Heaven), which during the practice, you imagine or set your intention for your energy points, mainly within the feet and palms, to reach out toward the Earth’s core and as far out as you can imagine into the Universe; intention like energy, has no limits.

Where Attention goes Energy flows; Where Intention goes Energy flows! (James Redfield)

Practicing daily for the assessment, was very much needed, not just for the sake of qualifying, but as a reminder to feel the connection. At times, life makes it easy to forget that we are not just single entities, but as Rumi quoted,

You are not a drop in the ocean; you are the entire ocean in a drop.

The connection reminded me that this journey is not just MY journey but is my journey and how it intermingles with those around me. There is a requirement in this thought to not become impatient or to believe that the entire world is conspiring against me; there is no Source or Holy Father sitting in judgement or punishing me by making me wait or allowing me to feel a lack in some part. It’s up to me to take these emotions and to realise why they have emerged. I need to sort my emotional laundry!

To assist me in finding out why I feel such high levels of unease at the moment, I always turn to meditation or prayer. I open myself to receiving answers to what concerns me and trust that they will come in various forms.

I was reminded of my Twin Flame work, which at this point, I am not ready to overly share. However, the amazing work of Amanda Ellis gave clarity on this subject this week. She spoke of feeling disconnected and why it is occurring at the moment. Separately she spoke about the spiky energy that exists everywhere and this led her into talking about the unrest in the UK; riots which are fuelled by hate. Amanda also spoke of the 8/8 portal, which is even more powerful this year because it is a triple 8; the numbers 2-0-2-4, also add up to 8. Eight is the symbol of infinity and is a potent time to set intentions for the future.

I rarely return home from work and watch a film. But I did. I opted to watch what was meant to be a comedy about a family who move into a haunted house. The youngest son of the family befriends the ghost and basically, takes it upon himself, to find out why the ghost is unhappy. In resolving the ghost’s problem, he is reunited with his daughter before passing over into the Light. Well, I cried buckets. My heart felt like it was being pulled out of my chest. The level of sadness felt inexplicable.

I also had a strange dream. I travelled to an unknown destination by train. When I got to my destination it was time to go home, but I didn’t know how to get there. I thought of ways of explaining where I needed to get to, but I didn’t know how to explain it. I didn’t know where I lived or what towns I had travelled through to get to my destination. To make matters worse, I couldn’t speak the same language as anyone else; I couldn’t be heard, I couldn’t ask for help. I was lost, with no one to turn to.

I woke up and felt such intense loneliness and sadness. It over-shadowed much of the following day.

The common theme in all of these signs is love. Or the lack of love.

The Twin Flame journey is all about unconditional love, it is an extremely difficult pathway, that requires total transformation, a rebirth that frees you from the constraints of the conditioning and expectations of life. It’s a Self-love journey that mirrors into your direct opposite, your Twin Soul. It is far more complex than these few words, but ultimately, it’s a journey that leads to unconditional love for the Self and for your Twin.

The film was about the unity of family. It reminded me that ever since childhood all I have ever wanted is to be part of a family. Perhaps too high an expectation has made the dream seem impossible. But this led to thoughts about my own parents and the lack of love they gave. My mum told me that I was an accident and that I ruined her life. My dad was clueless. He was the kind of man who would give me money to go to the shop to buy my own birthday card; I would choose one with a picture of a horse. He had no idea how painful that was for me. Between them I felt invisible, just as I did in the dream. Unseen. Unheard. Silent. Of no relevance.

I take this to the outside world. It currently feels unsafe. It feels like no one knows who to trust any more and everyone is feeling unease; this is fuelling hatred and people are turning on one another. Or that is how it seems. It feels like we’re living in a world without love! Perhaps how I feel on a micro and macro level is what most are experiencing?

I have never considered the 8/8/8 portal before; but I think for the coming days, and weeks afterwards, it is time to focus on love for myself and love for the world. We need to start loving ourselves and each other more; we need to return to our hearts and offering kindness in everything we say and do. Like all energy, the energy of love will flow and its effects will be far-reaching.

With love & gratitude always,

Sally Jayne xxx