Loneliness v abandonment

Am I alone or lonely? At times I am not entirely sure.

And why do I constantly battle with issues relating to abandonment?

Without wishing to sound selfish, when I am alone I can do anything I want. I have had a life full of people pleasing, which at times, can be a wonderful attribute; but when it grows into something that is given out of fear due to issues relating to survival mode or abandonment, then it is no longer a good thing.

So, in my aloneness, I am grateful for the free time to express myself doing the things I love, without fear of judgement and belittlement. I have time to express my creativity through writing, I have time to connect with nature and care for my mind, body and soul via the practice of Qigong. I have time to speak to God, or as I prefer to call Him, my Holy Father who is my constant guide and companion.

But yes, I experience loneliness. Like many souls, I can be in a room full of people and feel lonely. My diary can be full to bursting with appointments and commitments, which allows me to connect with lots of people on most days. So whenever I have felt loneliness it has often not made sense to me.

However, time out this morning speaking to Holy Father as to why my emotions are a rollercoaster ride between absolute joy, loving my life, my work and my freedom living alone in the mountains of Almeria, to sadness and endless tears.

As I write I suddenly remembered what it feels like to be a child who discovers that no one wants to play with you. This led to the balance of then thinking about what it feels like when someone singles you out to be their friend; the moment when you feel seen and that someone likes you for you. Now I am smiling because certain friends spring to mind; two particular friends who have been in my life for decades.

Now I extend this thought to what it feels like to be be singled out by someone who wants to romantically connect.

So is that what is going on with me? I want to be singled out and have that moment when I simply connect with someone I know is going to be there for me? Who likes me for me?

I think there is a lot of truth in that realisation!

Therefore, perhaps I crave more regular and meaningful human contact?

But even as I write this, I am being guided to think about the marvellous 2 weeks I have just had meeting new people who I know I have a soul connection with: seeds that have been sewn to allow friendship journeys that are yet to be explored.

I think about the warmth of the friend who allowed me to be a gooseberry at dinner with their boyfriend; I had declined so as to allow them to enjoy their alone time, but they had insisted on my company.

I have also been reminded of the friend, who I have known for more than half my life, who is travelling out from the UK to see me at the end of this month. It will be the first time we have met since I took the Leap of Faith to start my life over.

I think of the soul I have grown to love; the way he makes me feel.

I realise that something has triggered me into viewing my glass as half empty rather than half full today. I think the trigger has been a recent farewell to someone who is a friend who has decided to walk a different pathway. Perhaps their action has also shown me what I feel about other friendships that have floundered

While the friendship has not ended in reality, it is learning to accept that their new choices, which allows them personal growth, means that there will be little time for our 1:1 relationship as friends.

I read somewhere that true friendship is about walking each other home; and while home may mean something different in this statement, I hope that as a friend I have been able to do that for them.

Another statement about meeting people I am reminded, is that they are often there for a reason, season or lifetime. Perhaps the trigger is that I believed that this friendship was for a lifetime, but I am coming to terms with the fact that it has been for a season and reason only. That stings!

So what does that say about me? It tells me that there is still much self-healing to do in relation to abandonment. In my heart I feel truly blessed and happy to have witnessed their growth to the point that they are now ready to fly free; that they have found the confidence and strength to explore what is needed to fill their own void.

It is up to me to focus on the inner child who feels that they have just witnessed a beloved friend, who paused a while to check me out, to see me, to allow the sense that I am worthy of being known, before watching as they wander off to meet someone else.

Thus, I can see that it has triggered abandonment issues; the belief that all good things come to an end. But the truth is seeing what the friendship also brought to my life, which is growth, a sense of worth and a knowing that all encounters have some purpose, which is always to teach us something. Nothing is by accident.

So in that wonderment, I return to thinking about what remains and it is in embracing the lifelong friends that already exist and the excitement of exploring new territory.

I am grateful to have the alone time to reflect and to grow.

Sally Jayne xxx