disempowering mistrust

For many years I have journaled. And for most of those years, the content of my journal has been an edited version of what I truly felt.

As far back as childhood, I would keep a diary logging my existence, which read like a series of lists, what food I had eaten or what tasks I had undertaken during the day. As a school girl, I loved words and I loved to write, but knew that my journals failed to capture the essence of how I truly felt. I was scared of telling my truth in case anyone, parents or carers, should read my words. If I had spoken my truth, I would have talked about a great deal of cruelty; this could lead to more. Therefore, the only time I was truthful is if I wrote:

‘I wish I was dead!’

I wrote this often.

I felt that it was safe to share this idea, because I believed that the person/people who I did not want to read my true thoughts would feel the same about me; that they would wish me dead too, so it was okay to write that.

Sadly, hiding my truths in a journal extended into adulthood and my recent marriage, which I took the leap of faith from. This time, rather than lists, my journaling spoke of love and admiration, my wish to become a better person so that I may please him. I never touched on the emotional hurt he caused, just in case my husband ever read my words.

So, I had gotten used to faking my journals, which defeated the object of logging my life. I’m not entirely sure why I continued for as long as I did, other than to hear the sadness in the mundanity of the words that attempted to describe my existence. These journals have long gone, which I think is for the best, because when I write about myself, I want to be truthful and hopefully inspiring. It is of no importance to me how many people read my words, as long as what I write about myself is of the true Self. I want my heart to be heard, even if just by one person, who resonates deeply with the essence of my Soul. I owe it to myself to write with my truth and integrity.

It is for this reason that I did not write a blog last week. I felt lost. I found myself in a dark space and for several days I needed time to fathom out what was occurring; what was the purpose of what was unfolding within me? What was the bigger plan?

The dark space led me to feeling vulnerable and insecure. The feelings made no sense because everything in my micro and macro worlds were still the same, nothing had really changed; if anything, I had felt quite positive because step-by-step, I was making progress in every area of my life. I had actually got to the stage of recognising that there was nothing in my life that made me unhappy; niggles yes, but ultimately with the lack of things to make me unhappy, I had surely reached a stage of feeling blissfully happy!?

Hence, the sudden overwhelming sense of feeling low, did not make any sense whatsoever; nonetheless, with it came the feelings of fear and that I was not good enough, which made it impossible to write.

I sat with the feelings for days and so deep was my mood, I could not bring myself to speak to Source, my Holy Father. I felt that I could not trust in the connection, that whatever guidance was on offer, was not trustworthy. This was not a negative reflection of my love for Source, but in my own abilities to trust in the inner wisdom, the guidance. I could not understand why I was allowing myself to become disconnected from my Holy Father and was replacing loving and empowering thoughts, with destructive negative views. Especially, after the beautiful progress that has been made over the past two years.

But Holy Father has a way of reaching us even when we think we have switched off from Him.

I was driving to work and suddenly it hit me like a bolt out of nowhere, what was wrong with me. The realisation came like an instant download of Self understanding, which immediately made sense.

The step-by-step progress I spoke of earlier, had included an update from my husband, who via his lawyer had at long last, agreed to discussing finalising the full details of our divorce. He had previously denied any discussion claiming that he would make his millions and then destroy me. I had been praying for closure and at long last it had come, but then, instead of feeling glad about this I felt low. I didn’t trust him and felt that there was some kind of trickery involved regardless of Holy Father constantly guiding me to trust in the process of justice.

The realisation that came to me, was that my mistrust of my husband runs so deep, that once I go down that track and am mentally reminded of associating him with dishonesty, this colours how I view everything and everyone else. I then begin to shut down to the point that I no longer trusted Holy Father, the guidance or intuition. I also began to mistrust the beautiful soul who shows me nothing but unconditional love, judged by the fact that he is also a male, so thus must also be untrustworthy. Once I go down a rabbit hole it is very difficult to get back out.

So when the download of information came unexpectedly, it was, as needed, very quick and very effortless. I do not hear a voice or have a conversation or a period of reasoning; it simply feels as though someone has plugged me into the hard drive and the data is instantaneous. Once the data was installed, it felt like a knowing, as simple as knowing whether I felt hot or cold, sleepy or wide awake.

The information I received was to simply know to not allow mistrust to overpower trust. Mistrust comes from the head, trust comes from the heart. I was allowing my head to give too much power to the energy of mistrust. I was to remember that he is a trigger for that emotion, which is another form of fear; which is exactly what my husband would want me to feel… scared and powerless. I knew that I was giving away my power, allowing mistrust to disempower trust. Trust in Holy Father, faith, guidance and intuition; trust in myself.

Therefore, the Divine information from Source reminded me to return to my heart, to the loving trust I place in my faith, my intuition and ultimately in His loving guidance. I was also reminded to work with the energy of Archangel Michael to place a cloak of protection around myself.

So the darkness has passed and what I needed to learn again, is that whenever there is unease with me, to question it; because when something does not feel like my natural state of Being, then it is likely that it does not belong to me. Holy Father is pure love and therefore, when feelings become dark and fearful, it is important to take note that something has shifted.

Just as I was writing this blog earlier before stopping to do a distant healing session, I had a text from my lawyer, informing me that there was an update from my husband’s lawyer. It would appear that it is for real and that there is no trickery involved. I was told to trust by Holy Father and as always I am humbled by the depths of spiritual love.

It never ceases to amaze me just how magical a relationship with Faith can be; some would say that it is a relationship with Self. Regardless, accepting that I am never alone and that I am, as we all are, surrounded by infinite love and wisdom, which is readily available if you believe, blows me away.

Just as I am signing off, I notice the time, 21:11; I smile because I agreed that this would mean something to me.

With love & gratitude,

Sally Jayne xxx

caused by rather than difference is that my journaling spoke of love and admiration, rather than unhappiness

list of food eaten and tasks undertaken; the content lacked real emotion. I was fearful of writing the truth in case my words were discoveredI knew . The content lackedbut would refrain from commenting on the crueltywanted to journal my existence, even though I believed it had no relevance whatsoever.

n, I thought I wanted to remember the days, weeks and months as they passed as if it was important to recollect parts of my life.