OLD SCARS…

Old and very deep scars take a long time to heal; which begs the question do they ever really heal, or simply form part of who you become?

I ask myself this, because just as I was beginning to believe that I had turned a corner on my healing journey, something triggered a major reaction. This prompted me to think that the hard work I had endeavoured to do on myself, had been the equivalent of building a house out of paper, which seemingly could be blown down by any big bad wolf antagonist.

Twenty years of a negative relationship saw me lose all sense of self-worth. The image of myself, if sticking with the analogy of little piggies, how self apt, hiding from the big bad wolf, would be to liken myself to some kind of ugly troll that hides its grotesqueness away from others. I had 20 years of put downs, which left me with a severely warped perception of myself. I grew to dislike my physical self to such an extent that I lived in my head, which I later learnt, once I removed myself from the situation; had caused me to create a deep disconnection from my body. I stopped owning it. I got to a place whereby, apart from my face, I did not look in the mirror at myself. I avoided seeing myself out of fear of seeing the ugly troll for myself.

Therefore, my sense of physical Self became whatever he told me I was. While I would not say that I am exactly the ugly duckling who discovers herself to be a beautiful swan; my life became a similar analogy. I was so consumed in how my husband portrayed me to be to me, I believed I was a hideous troll. The more upset I became, the more I would eat; and the more weight I gained, the more I would be insulted. On the rare occasions I caught sight of my reflection in a shop window, I would feel physically repulsed by the very sight of me. Seeing myself would trigger tears and I would see what he saw; I would then tell myself that I was deserving of the insults. I believed that I was hideous, ugly and unlovable.

It has taken 18 months to date, to even begin to reconnect my head with my body. I have had to go through the process of talking to my body and thanking it for serving me well, while I chose to ignore it; for it continued regardless of whether it gained any recognition for its daily efforts. In doing so, I have had to reflect on the neglect, and what impact whether long or short term, this ignorance has had on my health. I don’t think there are any major health issues, but certainly my weight has caused some strain, wear and tear to my body. As for my overall mental and emotional wellbeing, that’s an on-going process.

Since leaving my husband, I naturally lost 4 dress sizes without dieting. I lost the weight, I believe, because I had removed the daily stress trigger from my life. Comfort eating also naturally became less because I was not being triggered as often. I am on a limited budget, but I try to dress in ways that make me feel feminine. I certainly wear more colour and softer fabrics that feel good against my skin, which is an act of self-love. I focus much more on what I want to wear after years of trying to conform to his expectations or demands, to appear chic and with finesse; difficult targets when you are experiencing unease within your entire body.

Often, I find myself enjoying my more bohemian choice of clothes and finishing off an outfit with one of my grandma’s brooches; just costume jewellery, but treasured, and part of the few items I was able to take with me when I left. However, there are still moments when I feel like I’ve been hit by a thunderbolt, a charge of electrifying energy, that renders me immobile and this occurs whenever I have to have dealings with this man. Any unwanted but necessary contact with him triggers memories of these wounds; insecurity, self-loathing, fear and feeling inadequate. Vulnerability is re-ignited as I battle to stay grounded and unaffected by his actions that amplify the urgency that I want to be out of this marriage as soon as possible. I want mental, emotional, physical and spiritual freedom.

But what was so staggering in this past week, is just how easily, confidence can tumble; be blown away in one puff, or careless comment. I overheard a comment, made by a male, that referred to me as being six times bigger than him. While the comment was an exaggeration, it cut so very deep that it triggered and re-opened old wounds. I cried endlessly and the beauty I had felt wearing a floaty dress was diminished in seconds. I can acknowledge that I was already feeling vulnerable and that perhaps I was being more sensitive. But this was a comment that was meant to be said privately, out of my earshot, therefore, it was said out of judgement and a level of cruelty. It showed me that it is not just my husband who can trigger a negative reaction within me.

I don’t wish to comment on the person or the situation; but I can say is that he did apologise. He was genuinely upset that his comment had hurt me; he admitted that the comment was more of a reflection of how he currently viewed himself. I accepted the apology because it felt genuine. However, realising that nothing happens by chance, I was left wondering why, this had occurred to me now after working so hard on myself. Was it a reminder that there is still so much work to do on myself? Is the lesson to not give any consideration to how others view me, because how I view myself is what is really important? As this person admitted, are the ones casting stones really talking about themselves?

Nonetheless, a very beautiful friend of mine, who is a very gifted medium, felt inspired to send me an image of a portrait Dali did of his wife. Dali was born in Spain and his wife, who was ten years his elder, was often his muse. Their love came from an absolute belief in one another, recognising within each other individual gifts and beauty. To the outside world, it was not always that way.

Therefore, I guess I have to set aside past relationships and the thoughtless comment and refocus on what makes me truly beautiful, which is more than skin deep. I love my blue eyes and my curls. I love my heart, my gentleness and kindness. I love my work and my spirituality. I love the fact that my inner child still dreams big and that I still live in a world where anything is possible. I love the fact that I do not allow age or time to tell me that I have left anything till too late.

I love the fact that I truly believe that I will still find true love in another person as well as within myself; regardless of what has happened in my life, my faith in my Holy Father and Jesus as a childhood friend, has taught me this. Therefore, I believe that one day, I will be loved fully for who I am on a soul level and not for my dress size. I choose to believe that there is someone man enough to love me for me and vice versa.

Perhaps part of the lesson here is to also build a stronger house, one that is not made from paper?

Interestingly, I saw a lovely quote on Instagram. I do not spend hours on this App, but use it occasionally to see where it takes me; I like it when something jumps out and appears like a message from Holy Father.

This time it was from the @krishnamurtifoundationtrust.

“You are irritated with another when they say something you don’t like. You retaliate. A few minutes later, you remember the possibility of not naming feelings - you say, ‘I will not name the feeling in future, and see what happens.’ When similar incidents arise, if you experiment with this, you will find that the time between instinctive responses and your thoughtful responses gradually get less… and in the end, you don’t instinctively respond. Instead, you watch yourself and do not name the feeling that arises in you. The result is you don’t get irritated; you are calm and quiet whatever they may say.”

Krishnamurti Foundation Trust

With love & gratitude,

Sally Jayne xxx