noche dE SAN JUAN

Last night was a big annual event in the Spanish calendar.

Noche de San Juan (Night of St John), has many traditional connotations depending on what and where information is sourced. It is nonetheless, an annual celebration to honour St John the Baptist, whose exact date of birth is unknown, but within the Church (The Nativity of St John) is recognised as 24th June.

The date falls shortly after the pagan tradition of Summer Solstice 21st June, which marks the longest day, hours of sunlight, in the year. The solstice also marks the start of summer.

Both events are steeped in a joyous mix of cultures and age old tradition. People gather to drink and share food, light bonfires and to listen to music. There is a sense of togetherness, an absorbing presence of soulful intention that uses the symbolism of fire to burn away what no longer serves the soul.

It is believed that St John the Baptist baptised Jesus with the Holy Spirit and with Fire. Water baptism is from the outside to the inside whereas the fire baptism is from the inside out. Water washes, the fire purifies.

In the province of Almeria, I was able to participate in the Noche de San Juan festivities, which saw various events held across the region. I ventured to the south coast, and joined the celebrations on a beach overlooking the Mediterranean. I met with a group of new friends, meeting them only for the first time the previous night at a yoga event.

We ate good vegetarian food, listened to a live Reggae band and watched an amazing Flamenco show. Afterwards, the plan was to wander down to the beach together where we would throw pieces of paper, with our handwriting, stating what fears we wanted to surrender into a large bonfire.

At the yoga event, we had had been invited to write down what fears we wanted to surrender on this night. I had several, but the primary source of my fear was the passing of time. Not so much, I thought, from a vanity point of view, but more so, from the conditioning that by this age, my mid-50s, I should be in a different place on all levels.

In my time out with Source, the constant thread of my conversations with Him, is to wonder when the events on which I focus upon, will happen. I struggle with patience, not born from greed, but the need to move on and to create a place that feels safe and secure.

I know that the answer will always be… in Divine Timing. I also do know, deep down, that this is always for my own good, that growth has to occur and things need to align to make the possibilities a reality. But when I find myself on my knees time and time again, struggling to stay true to my soulful purpose, it is so difficult to trust in what I believe to be intuitive guidance from Source.

One day I woke up after a particularly difficult previous day, which led into a restless night. My mobile phone, which acts as my alarm clock had not charged and was out of energy. Both clocks in the house had stopped. I had to turn on my PC to check the time.

Fortunately, I was not running late for work. I got into my car, and the clock showed the correct time. I put my car into reverse, which changed the dashboard screen to allow me to navigate backwards, which removed sight of the clock. However, when I put the car back into drive mode, and the time reappeared on the screen… the time had changed completely, so that it appeared to be several hours later. Confused, I stopped the car, and got out to check my recently charged phone, to reassure myself of the time and that I was not late for work.

After work, the car clock worked fine.

The oddness of the stopping of all my clocks, acted as a massive sign about my connection to the fear of the passing of time. I know that I need to surrender to Divine timing and to trust in what I recently wrote about, which is to know that whatever inspires me, already exists; that I will reach it, when the time is right.

(See blog dated 6/17/24 Aligning With What Already Is…)

Hence, it made sense that I would use Noche de San Juan to surrender my fears regarding the passage of time. To allow myself to surrender to Divine timing and to just go with the flow. At the time of writing what I wanted to burn in the fire, I was thinking about the timing of many things… my work, writing and financial stability to name a few.

But what was also on the periphery of my soul, my heart, was the question of when will I be in union with true love.

I allowed myself to follow fate. One of the attendees at the yoga event, was a man of a similar age to myself. He appeared to want to know whether I would be joining the new group of friends for the Noche de San Juan festivities. He also indirectly enquired as to whether I had a partner or boyfriend. In my pursuit of finding love, I saw this as a sign to go along; wondered if he was the one, regardless of already knowing that my journey has a different direction.

Needless to say, it was a lesson in observing my own passage of time, when the said man made it apparent at the festival, that he was waiting for another friend to join the group; a friend who had not been able to join the previous evening’s yoga class. When his friend arrived, his face was alight at the sight of her; her youthful beauty and energy. A stunningly beautiful soul inside and out, who had the grace, unlike the man, to include me in many of the conversations, until I decided it was time to leave.

I ventured out onto the beach, away from the new group of friends; I wanted to be alone. Here I observed as some people followed the tradition of falling backwards into the sea three times, while others jumped over the flames of the bonfire. Meanwhile, a group of young people clad in beach wear, stood around the fire like guardians of our souls: for the pieces of paper that fell from the flames without being burnt, they ran to pick up the stray offerings and returned them to the fire.

When I was ready, I stood at the side of the bonfire, the heat was intense and somewhat frightening; I considered losing my footing on the soft sand beneath my feet. I threw my piece of paper forcibly into the flames and watched it disappear.

I cried for my lost youth and for the time, 20-years, I had spent in a loveless and hurtful relationship. I cried for all the times I had been invisible and I cried for the yearning to be loved, to be seen and heard again. I cried at the triggers and reminders of what it feels like to feel unlovable and unworthy. I cried in the not knowing of what awaits for me romantically. I cried for the vanity in the moment of feeling sad that I was no longer young.

I returned home, sharing a lift with another couple; a he and a she, who I will refer to as Mark and Mary. I listened as Mark commented on the beauty of the ‘friend’ who the man had been waiting for. I felt my heart sink further and my cheeks burn with the humiliation that I could think I was worthy of the man’s attention. I listened as Mary sighed heavily, probably lost in her own reverie at her partner’s comment about the beauty of another woman, who like myself, was younger than herself.

I suddenly saw the passage of time like a conveyor belt, which we jiggle along, until we fall off the end. It’s in the fulfilling of all that we desire before the inevitable end that creates the fear of the passage of time, the fear of time running out. But I guess regardless of what we do with our time, we can spend it being sad or joyful.

Sadly, the tears have not dissipated today as I still struggle to make sense of the lessons of last night. This has rendered me unable to speak to my Holy Father as I try to make sense of my humiliation and my fears… and come to terms with my own passage of time.

Somewhere in the midst of this confusion is the awareness that in TCM and the practice of Qigong, is that the Heart, which is linked to the small intestine, is connected to the element of Fire. The yin and yang of the Heart and small intestine, is that the first represents pureness and the latter is the cleansing of the impurities.

The Heart energy also symbolises passion, joy and connecting with others. It is also linked to divinity, transformation and purification, and summer time.

Perhaps my tears are the purification of my heart; my soul saying, it is ready to be loved, but again, perhaps that falls to me to love myself more. Because if I did, I would see that my soul is ageless and timeless and that it is not constricted to the illusion of time or affected by the actions of others who have their own free will to connect with whoever they wish.

A tough lesson nonetheless that has left my heart feeling heavy… but one that no doubt has purpose and will make sense when the time is Divinely right.

With love & gratitude

Sally Jayne xxx