THE THREE COMFORTS OF… I AM

The subject of discovering the I AM is as old as the hills. Therefore, I do not doubt that I have anything new to add to a subject that many of the greatest philosophers, poets, artists and truth seekers, have already expressed via their own medium.

I AM is the basis of affirmations and some mantras that when repeated help us to connect with the essence of Self, to assist us in viewing ourselves and/or the world in a more positive light. Repeating positive words on a a daily basis is fundamental to self healing; it is what begins to help us separate ourselves from external conditioning.

It is a reconnection to the essence of Self, a re-realisation of our own personal truth, while stepping away from the false Self that we form due to peer pressure, which can apply in a workplace, within a family and in romantic relationships.

It is natural for us to want to mould ourselves into what others expect from us so that we can have a sense of belonging. To enable us to fit in and to be accepted. But when we take this too far and prioritise our focus on winning approval to validate our worth, then we become our false Self, because we are telling our soul a narrative that it does not recognise; this leads to the sense of feeling lost or in most cases, the inexplicable feeling of total emptiness.

When we feel empty, we can often wonder why, because we tell ourselves that we have everything that we have ever wanted. But the question is, do we? Do we really have everything that we have ever wanted OR do we have everything that other people have told us that we should want?

I say this because, one of the reasons I took a Leap of Faith to leave a 20-year relationship, is because the emptiness became unbearable. My self view had become painfully negative, most of which, had been fuelled by my husband. I spent two decades being subjected to underhand comments, which if I questioned or retaliated against, I would be accused of being overly sensitive or lacking a sense of humour. Comments about my weight, accent, social background, lack of education and career success; the list was endless. After the putdown, he would add, ‘But I love you,’ a phrase that acted like some kind of consolation prize.

I ended up believing that I had so many flaws that I was unlovable, which meant that I would have done anything to hear his validation that I was loved. Nonetheless, I spent years trying to please him, not realising that it was a game that I would never win; in the process, I forgot all about what was important to ME. I no longer knew who I was, I had lost the I AM that makes me me.

As a result, I ended up not knowing what brought me joy or what made me feel loved. I felt disconnected from life, as though I did not belong, which was born from the deep belief that I was not worthy.

I would seek out things to fill my emptiness. I would comfort eat, but eating became a form of self-punishment. Over eating. Consuming food regardless of whether I was full or not. Eating high sugar snacks to get a buzz, which then saw my energy fall dramatically into lethargy. I felt shame about my body and then became addicted to shopping for clothes. I did not try on the clothes I purchased and then would cry when the outfits did not fit or failed to make me feel pretty or good about myself.

At home, the insults continued throughout my own self-sabotage process. My mood was low and every insult felt true because it matched the state of mind that I was in, which made it even more vital to hear the important validation, the prize words, that someone could still love me even with all my faults.

I had no choice but to break this vicious cycle and to walk away; in doing so, it has been a journey to rediscover the essence of me again, to re-find, I AM…

I decided in the fearful solitude of going it alone… an unemployed, middle-aged woman, living abroad, with limited language skills… that I needed to re-establish what brought ME genuine comfort. I opted to focus on three things and to incorporate them into my life, as part of my self-healing process. I thought about what had given me comfort in what had been a volatile childhood; what instinctive survival mechanism had I developed at a young age, and how, with the added knowledge of adulthood, could I take that natural part of me; the unspoilt childhood reflection and adapt it to help my adult self.

The first idea of comfort, was to return to the childhood memory of having Jesus as my imaginary friend, (or not so imaginary, if you truly believe). In doing so, I would sit alone observing the mountains that form my home, my back garden, and talk to Jesus; this led to the connection with Our Father.

I knew that in this life I had always craved a strong father figure and that the need was based on the belief that a figure of this nature would somehow be my provider and protector, regardless of whether I actually really needed one. I came to realise that I AM my own best provider and protector, and that co-creation with Source, who I choose to refer to as my Holy Father, in recognition of my need to have a father figure is the union that works for me. Recognising within myself what faith meant to me, the I AM, in this life time, the here and now, has been the biggest discovery of I AM so far.

I AM at one with my faith.

My second childhood comfort was food! Sugary food! My grandma had been a great cook who loved to bake. Her cuddles and cakes were what I learnt to define as love. When she passed over, sugary food became the substance of comforting love. The adult self knows that refined sugar is not good for me, so instead, I am now able to devise alternatives that remain healthy but feed the need to feel comfort while healing myself. Naturally, I do allow myself treats occasionally.

I AM at one with my body.

The third childhood comfort was storytelling. I was an avid reader, I loved words and loved to write. I never shared my stories with anyone for fear of them not being good enough. The adult version of me, is slightly braver in allowing my words to be read by others. I find joy in the possibility that my life is still an unwritten book and the ending is yet unknown. I see my life as an adventure and imagine what it would be like if my journey, through my writing, was to inspire others to take a leap of faith to save their own soul.

I AM at one with my creativity.

Seeking comfort has helped me to start the healing process and to rediscover parts of me that I long forgot. Incorporating these three simple mantras, and adapting and/or adding to them, every single day helps me reconnect with the essence of my true self.

However, I know that I AM is limitless… I still have so much more to offer.

Therefore, I AM limitless…

With love & gratitude,

Sally Jayne xxx